Three questions I received on marital relationships:

Question: In your blog post, “Don’t Look For Love In This World,” your advice is, “Don’t look for truth, justice, loyalty, and love in marital relationships.” So my question is, what are we supposed to look for in marital relationships, and how are we supposed to be partners without expecting to receive loyalty and truth?

My Answer: I see that within our global Bnei Baruch group, many people worldwide find spouses and are happy, because their common goal eliminates all the disagreements.

Question: I have been studying Kabbalah for two years. My husband and I have been married for almost twenty years. My husband refuses to have a physical relationship with me and shows very little affection or desire towards me. He believes that I should adapt to this, but I wasn’t told prior to our marriage that this would be a condition in our relationship. I have been depressed about this situation for a long time. I was hoping you could explain it from a Kabbalistic perspective: How should a man act toward his wife when it comes to a couple’s physical relationship in marriage?

My Answer: This is not a question you should be asking a Kabbalist, because Kabbalah talks only about how to restore your relationship with the Creator. By definition, Kabbalah is the revelation of the Creator to man in this world. It does not have anything to say about people’s relationships on the animate level.

Question: How does Kabbalah view marriage between elder women and younger men?

My Answer: Kabbalah has no view on it. It depends only on the people.

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Questions I received about marriage:

Question: If Eve’s condemnation following the sin is that man will rule over her, what can we do in this world to adjust to this condemnation without conflict or suffering?

My Answer: There is no submission. Instead, there is the proper realization of common natural qualities. This is why you have to study Kabbalah, realize it together and aspire together to reach the third one – the Creator.

Question: What if a man does not know if he wants to stay married, and a lot of issues from the past come up?  What if the woman does not want to divorce and neither of them are in a religion?

My Answer: Go to your common goal which is the Creator, instead of both of you retreating into your shell.  Only then will everything turn out all right.

Question: I partially understand that marriage is part of a man’s correction. However, I have very few corporeal merits that would make me remotely appealing to the opposite gender. I am poor, bad with money management, own no house, have no car, and am only concerned with one thing, which is Kabbalah. Should I divert time from my studies and work in the group to make myself more corporeally fit for marriage? Do I really even need to be married?

My Answer: Continue doing what your heart aspires to, since this is the reason man was brought into this world. All the rest will follow and the group will help you find your match.

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Two questions I received from women concerning finding the right match:

Question: On the show “Women, Men, and What’s Between Them” you were asked what qualities a woman should look for in a partner, and you answered unambiguously that only when someone is close to you in qualities does a relationship as a couple stand a chance of being successful. My partner and I have opposite personalities, and there are some problems in the connection between us. However, one rabbi checked our compatibility and said that we are a good match.

My Answer: I have already stated my opinion.

Question: Ever since I was a child, I’ve experienced difficulties in communicating with people. Is there any way to appeal to the Creator with a request to change me, so that, accordingly, my life would change, I would find friends, a partner, and I could be happy?

My Answer: Other than under the influence of Kabbalah, I don’t know a more effective method to change oneself and one’s life, and to be able to do it in accordance with the flow of Nature. If you are sure that this is your path, go to our dating site, and maybe you’ll find your other half there!

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In the News (from India Today): “Unhappily harried” The Save Indian Family Foundation (SIFF) comprises young, angry, “harassed” husbands… Their grouse: they were being “betrayed” by those who framed laws and enforced them; that the law erroneously assumed all wives were “innocent angels” who could only be sinned against, and are not sinners.

My Comment: So now the crisis has hit Indian families too! Apparently we will see the crisis being expressed differently in different countries and civilizations, but it will all lead to the same result – the necessity to rise above our world.

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Two questions I received regarding relationships and the spiritual path:

Question: I got married in Peru. After a few years of marriage, my husband left me and our two daughters. Out of despair, I left to go work in Korea. There, I met a good man and we’ve been together 12 years, and have a son who is 9. Is it necessary for me to get an official divorce in order to form a Kabbalistic family?

My Answer: No. No method of registering a person’s marital status invented and performed in this world has any influence on your spiritual development.

Question: I have been studying Kabbalah for almost two years and have been actively involved in dissemination. My partner has also been doing the same. Since I started studying Kabbalah, I’ve come to understand that I want our relationship to be formalized through marriage and that I want to have children. However, he doesn’t feel the same, although he wants to continue living with me. Is my desire proper?

My Answer: You are right to demand marriage and children. Pass my opinion on to him. A person who is working on his spiritual correction has to do everything that regular people do in this world. It is said: “I dwell among my people,” (Be toch ami anochi echevet).

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A question I received: In old times, a man could buy a wife and marriages were arranged by parents. But love can only happen in relation to a specific individual.

In today’s world, marriages aren’t always created for the sake of love. Sometimes it’s because the woman gets pregnant in order to force the man to marry her. Other times, a marriage is required in order to be able to move from one place to another. There are other examples. So you have created a family and now you must protect it. What if feelings arise toward another person when you are already a “cell in the society”? Then, what is a family and what is love?

My Answer: Throughout history, humanity has treated the family as a cell within a society that must be created and developed. In any nation or culture, love was never the motivation for starting a family. The purpose behind family was to be able to exist within the framework of this world.

Today, we are on the brink of realizing another goal: the purpose of the family living for the sake of reaching the Upper World. But while we are still on the threshold, we must free ourselves from the old relationships within the family and realize the purpose of the new, higher goal. At this transition point, we are still analyzing our nature and studying ourselves. We do this in order to come to the realization that our nature is evil and that we must rise above it

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A question I received: How does a woman’s spiritual development depend on a man? I am a man, and the study of Kabbalah is my entire life. However, my wife watches sitcoms and thinks mostly about how to make more money. For the sake of saving our marriage she sometimes watches Channel 66 (“The Kabbalah Channel”) together with me, and even reads your blog. But nothing goes in. Can I “pull” her onto my level? I need her and we have two very young children, but on the other hand I want to devote myself completely to Kabbalah.

My Answer: Each person receives an aspiration to reveal the Upper World (a point in the heart) individually from above. You have no right to force your wife to be interested in Kabbalah.

If she allows you to study Kabbalah in your free time, then you must agree to all of her other conditions. In addition, you should show her how grateful you are to her for this. This will help you in your spiritual development and in working with your egoism.

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In the News (from The National Post): “Women bear brunt of bad marriage woes, study says” Men and women in bad marriages both feel depressed, but women are the only ones to suffer from high blood pressure, abdominal fat and other high risk factors for heart disease and stroke. But the same wasn’t true for their husbands. “Women tend to value the quality of relationships more than men do, and perhaps, even more important, they pay attention more, so when it’s not going well, they’re aware of it and more concerned about it than are men,” says Tim Smith, the study’s co-author and a psychology professor at the University of Utah.

My Comment: Men are less dependent on women and less attached to them. This is Eve’s “condemnation following the sin,” which says: “Your yearning shall be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

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Two questions I received on love, marriage and divorce:

Question: I’ve heard someone say that a couple’s sexual relationship is an indication of their standing in the spiritual world. But surveys show that 65% of people lose their attraction for their partner after two years of living together, although some of them still maintain a wonderful relationship. It seems that 65% of families should be “broken up” in spite of the kids, but divorces cripple our children!

My Answer: Families should stay together, and the way to do this is to make compromises to one another as much as possible.

Question: My wife is 14 years younger than me. She is not Jewish and has never been interested in spirituality, but she converted to Judaism in order for us to get married. We have a two-year old son. We split up because of her stubbornness: she always thinks she is right. She is materialistic and likes anything that “shines.” I gave her everything I could, and even more because right now I am on the verge of bankruptcy.

In spite of everything, I still love her and she loves me in her own way, but our egos won’t let us make up. Plus, I am afraid of getting another divorce. Yet, despite everything, just seeing her smile makes me happy. Is this love or am I just satisfying my own ego? Maybe your advice will help me.

My Answer: It’s best to do what you did before: be together, in love, and with your son.

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In the News (from MailOnline): “How bad bed habits are forcing 20% of couples to sleep alone… and leading 7% to divorce” Problems and arguments caused through lack of sleep due to being kept awake by their partner caused 7 per cent of men and women questioned to file for divorce. Couples are admitting to sleeping in a separate room to avoid being disturbed by their partners.

In the News (translated from La Repubblica): “Sleeping in separate rooms is good for your marriage” Studies show that a night spent in separate rooms makes a relationship better.

My Comment: According to Kabbalah, spouses meet in bed only for conversation and sex, but not for sleep. They should sleep in different rooms, or at least in separate beds.

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