Laitman.com » Humor

Do You Believe In Life After Birth?

admin_bb — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 06:09:39 +0000

A joke I received:

In the belly of a pregnant woman, two babies are having a conversation. One of them is a believer and the other is an atheist.

The Atheist: Do you believe in life after birth?

The Believer: Of course I do. Everybody knows there is life after birth. We are here in order to grow strong enough and prepared for what awaits us after it.

The Atheist: Nonsense! There can’t be life after birth! Can you imagine how this life would be?

The Believer: I don’t know all the details, but I believe there’s more light, and maybe we will walk and feed ourselves there.

The Atheist: Rubbish! It’s impossible to walk and feed ourselves! Ridiculous! We have the umbilical cord that feeds us. I just want to point this out to you: Life after birth can’t exist because our life, the cord, is already too short.

The Believer: I am sure it’s possible. It will be just a little different. I can envision it.

The Atheist: But there is nobody who has ever returned from it! Life simply ends with birth. And frankly, life is just one big suffering in the dark.

The Believer: No, no! I don’t know how life after birth will be exactly, but in any case, we will meet our mother and she will take care of us!

The Atheist: Mother? You think we have a mother? So, where is she then?

The Believer: She is everywhere around us, and we are in her! We move because of her and thanks to her, we move and live! Without her, we wouldn’t exist.

The Atheist: Baloney! I haven’t seen any such mother; hence, there is none.

The Believer: I can’t agree with you. In fact, sometimes, when everything calms down, we can hear her sing and feel how she caresses our world. I strongly believe that our real life will begin only after birth.

And what about you, dear reader?
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The Kind Of Question, The Kind Of Answer…

bb_admin — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 19:36:48 +0000

Question: Where was Adam when the serpent was tempting Eve? If he were by her side at that moment, he might have chased the serpent away or have protected Eve from it by asking her not to listen to the evil “seducer.”

Answer: He veered off to the left, to the serpent’s wife.

Kabbalah With A Smile

admin_bb — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 09:21:24 +0000

People are starting to make jokes about Kabbalah:

A man sits and weeps. Seeing his grief, a friend asks, “What’s this all about?”
“That’s it, my goose is cooked. A fortune teller said I have one month to live. It’s destiny, she said. Nothing can be done about it.”
“That’s if you do nothing, but if you study Kabbalah, you can control your destiny.”
“And you seriously expect me to believe this baloney?”

Sex Discrimination Continues In Hell, Vatican Says

bb_admin — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 08:01:09 +0000

In the News (from The Times Online): Sex discrimination is destined to continue in the scorching fires of Hell, according to a study approved by the Vatican.

The men, it seems, are the ones whose souls end up being pelted with fire and brimstone, while the women’s souls are more likely to be broken on a wheel… Men are likely to have indulged in lust and gluttony [whereas] women are primarily occupied with pride, envy and anger.

My Comment: Now I’m really scared: I’ve been touched by a breath of everlasting darkness, cold and stale like a cellar, and I was overcome by fear… But then I thought: “Monsignor, I beg your pardon, but doesn’t anyone go to heaven?”

What Do Kabbalists See? (And What Do They Eat?)

bb_admin — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 15:02:23 +0000

Three questions I received on the experience of being a Kabbalist:

Question: People come to you asking about what to change their name to, couples asking if they should get married and what to name their babies. How do you know what to answer them?

My Answer: I do not have any supernatural abilities. I give advice as a person with lots of life experience, and I may be wrong.

My recommendations hold no mystical spells or powers. In fact, no one has such powers! People such as Wolf Messing have a natural ability to see our world and to see the future; however, none of these “psychics” are Kabbalists. They’re only able to sense our world better than other people, but not the Upper World.

I’m a Kabbalist – I see the Upper World and the path leading to it. During our Kabbalah studies, to the degree we aspire toward correction, we evoke the Upper Light – the Creator’s force of love and bestowal, which corrects us. Even the beginners, who don’t yet have the qualities to clearly sense the Light, can feel this force and its influence during the studies.

However, in all other respects, I am just like everyone else.

Question: Do Kabbalists eat meat?

My Answer: They always have.

Question: Is Rav Laitman a Kabbalist?

My Answer: I don’t know, but he eats meat!

Who Believes In God?

bb_admin — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 06:08:47 +0000

A Parable: Once upon a time, in a small American town, a businessman decided to open a bar. The problem was that the bar was on the same street as a church. Obviously, the church officials weren’t happy about this, and at every sermon they called upon the citizens to protest the opening of the bar and to pray for God to punish the immoral businessman.

The day before the bar’s Grand Opening, there was a tremendous thunderstorm. Suddenly, lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church officials rejoiced, but their festivities did not last long because the bar owner sued them, demanding a compensation for his loss. Of course, the church officials denied any responsibility for the matter.

After hearing out both sides, the judge noted: “Based on the evidence, it appears that the bar owner believes in the power of a prayer, but the church officials do not!”

A Connection Through the Times

bb_admin — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 18:28:19 +0000

There are two engines on the the “Kennedy” spacecraft, each engine five-feet wide. The spacecraft engineers wanted to make the engines wider, but couldn’t. That’s because the engines were delivered by railroad, and the distance between the rails was only five feet (or rather, four feet 8.5 inches). Why?

It’s because the American-made railroad was modeled after the British model, and in Great Britain the railroad was modeled after the trolleys, and the trolleys were modeled after horse-trams, and the width of the horse-trams was specifically made so the wheels would fall into tracks, and the distance between the tracks in Great Britain is five feet.

And that’s because the roads in Great Britain were paved by the Romans to fit the size of their military chariots, which were five feet wide. And that’s because the chariots were led by two horses and this was the width of two horses’ behinds!

So the size of the spacecraft’s engines depends on the size of a horse’s behind 2,000 years ago!

Related Material:
Laitman.com Post: Kabbalah and Humor

It All Comes Back to You

bb_admin — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:56:47 +0000

Here are some of the most interesting things sent to me by my students:

Best quote (sent by Elisheva Shapiro):
“In the modern world, happiness is a well chosen set of antidepressants.”

Best video (sent by Ludmila Ivachenko):
It All Comes Back to You

Best video (sent by Irina Asher):
On the Thought of Creation and Union Without Intention

Best photograph (sent by Vadim Ermolchik):
Love Thy Neighbor:

A Little Secret to Financial Success (and Other Interesting Facts)

bb_admin — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 17:16:06 +0000

Questions I received on Jesus, the Pyramids, organ donations, and lucky pendants:

Question: Does Kabbalah say anything about Jesus?

My Answer: No. Kabbalah speaks only about the correction of the soul and the revelation of the Creator. It bears no relation to any religion.

Question: What do the ancient pyramids represent in our world?

My Answer: Man’s belief in a bodily, material afterlife.

Question: According to Kabbalah, is it permissible to donate human organs?

My Answer: Yes.

Question: Someone gave me a pendant called “the key to financial success.” It is a silver key with some Aramaic words inscribed on it. The problem is that I accidentally broke it! I don’t know if there is a connection, but ever since it broke, I started having financial problems. Is there a connection between these two events? And what should I do with the broken pendant?

My Answer: Fix it! Faith in the “lucky pendant” works. (Although I also heard that what works best is to catch a banker and eat his liver raw at midnight on a full moon. Then his bank account will immediately and secretly be transferred to yours.)

In Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3, Russia Is Armed With the Invincible Weapon – My Books

bb_admin — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 12:39:56 +0000

Part three of the super-popular game Command & Conquer is about to be released, and Russia’s new top secret weapon has already been discovered.

In the game’s promo clip, the Soviet consultant Varenka is armed with several volumes of my books (see the bottom left corner of the photo).

(Taken from LiveJournal, third picture from the top.)

What Will Fashion be Like at the End of Correction?

bb_admin — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 06:52:40 +0000

A question I received: In your opinion, what will be general attitude towards fashion in a corrected world? Will people care about their appearance? Will we be wearing clothes for as long as we exist in bodies, or will we eventually stop wearing them?

My Answer: If it were up to me, I’d wear pajamas all the time. They’re so comfortable!

The chorus of a Russian song about fashion and relativity goes a little something like this:

I dressed myself according to the latest fashions,
You’d say: “That’s a different man altogether!”
But I’m always the same.
Everything’s relative!

Related Material:
Laitman.com Category: Perception

Kabbalah and Humor

bb_admin — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 10:09:51 +0000

A question I received: How do Kabbalists feel about humor? Are there any Kabbalistic jokes?

My Answer: In the first year out of the 12 I’ve spent next to Rabash (Kabbalist Baruch Ashlag), I was quite surprised to see how much he loved humor, jokes, wittiness, discoveries, unexpected situations, and unconventional points of view.

Such things are easy for a Kabbalist to relate to, because he always remains young! Why? Because the soul is constantly growing, and a Kabbalist’s spiritual growth makes him feel like a child. Regardless of how it might appear on the outside, a Kabbalist does not become full of himself, but actually becomes simpler than others in this world.

While maintaining a youthful soul, it’s also characteristic for a Kabbalist to undergo a perpetual inner revolution – searching, disagreeing with himself, analyzing, and making decisions above his own self or reason.

A Kabbalist watches his earthly (egoistic) nature from the side, from the perspective of the Upper nature – the “point in the heart” or the quality of bestowal, the way the Creator looks at him – and tries to justify that perspective.

A Kabbalist experiences constant, inner contradictions, and they are not resolved by conciliation or accord, but by championing that which is “against you” (bestowal) over that which is “you” (reception).

So jokes, humor and wit, are ways to reconcile the irreconcilable – all of these (with the exception of the primitive kind) are built upon life’s contradictions, and hence they resemble spiritual situations, which are familiar to a Kabbalist.

By the way, I heard that someone was collecting jokes from me (or about me)…

My Current Mood: cheerful

A Kabbalistic Joke

bb_admin — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 13:42:02 +0000

A cannibal can’t sleep; he turns in his bed and sighs. His wife pokes him on the side: “Why aren’t you sleeping?” The cannibal sighs: ”A question is bothering me: ‘What is the meaning of life?’ His wife responds, reproachfully: “I told you, old fool, don’t eat Kabbalists!”