If you don’t have the desire for bestowal, you don’t exist with regards to the spiritual world. Our world exists only thanks to our instinctive desires, but you have to generate the spiritual desire by yourself. You have to reveal it by yourself, to yearn for it.

You exist to the extent that you evoke the desire to bestow within you with the help of envy, ambition, and the influence of the environment. The moment you lose that desire, you immediately disappear and cease to exist. You are simply gone.

We can only get such a desire from the group. This is our collective desire that does not exist in any of us.

By our prayer the Light that Reforms influences these desires and they acquire the right spiritual form of true bestowal. In the meantime, I ask for it in a false manner, even though I am part of a group. I shout that I want to love the friends, to connect with them, but I have to understand that it is all a lie. But it is a genuine lie of a kid who wants to be a grown up! He simply cannot imagine something greater than that.

But thanks to the fact that you seemingly want to bestow, you draw upon you the upper Light that corrects your desire. This is why it is called: “You labored and you found.” You exert yourself to reach the goal but then the Light operates on you and you find something else—a true desire for spirituality.

You begin to weigh how to fulfill the desire that you received and to what extent. You already become wise and work with that desire. You examine it and try it one way or another, by raising a prayer again so that the upper one will teach you and give you an example.

Previously you didn’t want true bestowal, but now that you want it; you ask that the upper one will give you an example of how to do it. Then He reveals itself a bit for you and shows you how to act, and you try to imitate His actions.

After you performed your first action, seemingly successfully, suddenly everything breaks down and falls. It is as if a small kid has inaccurately placed one cube on top of another, and the whole building he has built collapses. Then you cry a little since you didn’t succeed, but thanks to your stubbornness, to the support of the environment, to mutual guarantee, you start all over again!
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From the 3^rd part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 8/29/12, The Study of the Ten Sefirot

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