We get together, listen to a lesson, and do something without much desire for it or even with an opposite desire. After all, I enter the group and perform various actions so that I may feel good.

However, these actions were suggested for me by Kabbalists. I read their books along with the others, and while I’m at it and despite the fact that I expect it to do me good, I nonetheless start wishing for the friends to feel good. It almost seems like I get “corrupted” because I turn away from what I want. This is how Kabbalistic material works on me in the beginning.

The changes occurring in me seem very odd. I neither desire nor comprehend them. In the beginning stages, I am totally confused and don’t know what is happening, but, eventually, I start agreeing with and even anticipating them.

I start wishing for such changes to visit me and begin “moving the hands” of my intention clock. Previously, I egoistically wished to be in the group, study, and participate in everything so that I may feel good. Now, however, I do it for the changes within me. I want to turn myself to desire aimed toward the others, their good, the thoughts about the others, and stepping outside of myself.

All of this is also permeated with calculation for personal benefit so far. After all, bestowal is closeness to the Creator, an opportunity to break free from our tiny world, and so forth. Still, we start seeing alterations in our intention and expectations. This is described as going from Lo Lishma (not for Her Name) to Lishma (for Her Name), meaning from egoistic intention to the altruistic one, making small steps as beginners do.

Afterwards, I tear even farther away from calculations for personal benefit. I want to fall into a trance, withdraw from myself, stop sensing myself, and soar above egoism and personal calculations to feel free.

Again, it is I who feels good being free. It is as if I am drugged, drunken, and unrestricted by my egoism. Still, at this point, I am already aware of the evil and understand that egoistic desire prevents and pulls me away from the goal.

Finally, a person starts putting effort into working against his Pharaoh, in spite of and above it, desiring to rise to bestowal.
[33747]
From the 1st part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 1/26/2011, Writings of Rabash

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