We evaluate everything solely by how fulfilling it is for us, and there are two types of fulfillment: for our own sake and for the sake of bestowal. If I wish to please myself, I cannot receive more than our material world. I have an enormous vessel (desire), but all that I am able to receive in it is a tiny part called “this world.” And even that which I am able to receive is comprised of temporary pleasures that enter me and immediately depart. And this is my entire life.

Thus, in the course of history, I continued seeking pleasure at an increasingly higher level: still, vegetative, and animate. But in the end, I felt even greater emptiness. At first, my desire was small and gradually grew more and more until it reached its limits: the twenty-first century.

There are no greater egoistic fulfillments at this point because I have reached the limit at the degree where I consume, absorb. Hence, I ask: “What have I achieved in all of my history, in thousands of my incarnations (Gilgulim)? What is the purpose of my existence in this world for thousands of years?” The informational records (Reshimot) about the journeys made have been preserved in me, and therefore, I demand an answer.

And at this point, one special informational gene (Reshimo) unfolds in me by which I suddenly begin experiencing my outside part of the will to receive (desire) that pulls me forward, toward further development. But first, I approach this new external desire in an old fashion and check how I can receive into it, absorb something. I don’t understand that it needs a totally different approach, and the pleasure must come not from receiving, but from giving.

It takes time for me to get adjusted to this new thought, begin to comprehend it, and transition to the outside from inside. This is what we refer to as the time of preparation, when I gradually come to understand that pleasure lies in bestowal, not reception.

Baal HaSulam regards this as the “psychological barrier” (Machsom). I must agree that the act of mutual connection and bestowal, a thought about someone else, can bring pleasure. We start doing such exercises in the group, gradually absorbing the exalted nature of bestowal.

If we remained in this alone, we would repeat the communist experience in Russia. But we have one more component, the Light that Reforms, and it constantly affects us to the extent of our effort. It is this Light that reforms our nature! I suddenly begin to truly value bestowal and feel pleasure in it.

This is called a miracle. I suddenly discover that there are infinite hidden pleasures in bestowal, and the ability to bestow is limitless! But the most important and confusing component for us is the Light that Reforms. In the meantime, it still eludes us.
[30055]
From the 4th part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 12/17/10, “The Freedom”

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