This Is My Pharaoh Suffering
We have acquired something big and precious during the Convention: We have discovered for the first time that Pharaoh is sitting inside us and hates us, and we have to get rid of him, to run away, to exit Egypt…but are incapable of it.
We would have never realized that we must run away from him. We hoped that we could reveal spirituality in our egoism, in “Egypt.” But we did not even think that this is “Egypt.” Yet now we are beginning to understand that we must break free from it.
Our egoism, Pharaoh, received a blow, and this disappointment passed through him. Now we see that we have to distance ourselves from the desire in which we reveal disappointment and bitterness.
However, had we not gone full out till the end, we would not have felt disillusionment; we would have sensed that, truly, something is stopping us. There is no middle ground in spirituality; we have to go till the end.
Hence, now a certain new sensation has manifested in us. That same disappointment, the force of suffering that we now feel (since I invested so much effort, had so many hopes, and nothing happened) is my Pharaoh, who received a beating and is now suffering.
However, the Pharaoh has to feel the beatings since otherwise we will not be able to run away from it. Indeed, we run only from evil.
If I reveal my egoistic desire, my nature as evil, I will want to escape from it. And, perhaps, I will have to experience more of such blows before I decide that I must do it. I literally have to come out of my skin, to exit my “body.” This is called that Pharaoh is receiving blows, the “ten plagues of Egypt.”
We achieved this only because we nevertheless united between us. One is always revealed against the other, as it is said, “in Your Light we will see the Light.” Thanks to this unification and our preparation, we realized that we suffer because of our egoistic nature. And this is a big achievement!
Millions of people who participated in the Convention virtually were together with us. They, too, went through the same states.
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From the Lesson on the Weekly Torah Portion 11/12/10
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There is a saying, “No matter where you go, there you are.” I’m not sure how that translates correctly in Hebrew, but yes, truly, we are trapped inside of something that we desperately and internally feel is wrong and backwards.
We try everything to “forget” there’s a problem that we sense inside by doing any number of actions, but we fail. Still, there we are. And we don’t like it. As if trapped, we begin seeking solutions on how to escape this prison– to be truly different. Changed. Like from a caterpillar to butterfly. Because we know, this is not where we’re supposed to be. “Where the “there” is that we’re supposed to be is perfect. And we, are not.
“A great Light had to pour from Above in order to show us how much we don’t desire and aren’t capable, how opposite we are to spirituality, the degree to which we do not want to think about unity and love between us. All of that is “holiness of day” because we united together and nevertheless desired to ascend spiritually in some respect.”
Sviva Tova 11.14.10
The pudding cup is convex on one side concave on the other.
Love,
Sandra
Despite the fact that our ego received a blow I don’t know if I’m not more impressed with the sensation of connection that we felt. Now that I felt it I yearn for even greater connection. I yearn for it so much that it almost pains me! Is it my ego who suffers due to the lack of connection? Is it my ego which desires ever greter connection?
Was this experience at the convention a collective descent and ascent? Is that how we should handle our own personal descents and disappointments, buy recognizing their source as our ego and by nevertheless be cheerful and continue pretending that we can?